A note on surrendering

The performative act vs the quiet realisation

We’re about 4 months until the end of 2025. Blimey, where did the year go. January - August has flown past in a blur but equally has felt like a slow plod. A few weeks ago I flicked back to a list I had written at the start of the year, a mix between reflections and goals, things to work towards for the next 12 months. Along with these notes was my word for the year (I always set a word for the year every January; an annual ritual inspired by the artist Jessica Yolanda Kaye) for 2025 my word was/is ‘surrender’. Essentially I wanted to let go a bit. Shed my slightly uptight persona and learn to be more carefree. Spend less time worrying about the future and more time in the present, from mixing up a military precise routine to moving 500 miles away on a whim. I wanted this year to feel like taking off your bra at the end of the day (but for the whole year). Like a sigh of relief.

Initially I thought this meant leaning into spontaneity. Book that adventure! Spend all your savings! Ask for his number! Dance on that table! Jump in the sea! To surrender to the moment. I thought of surrendering as an act you should perform, and I thought it would make for a year of fun and excitement. Within the first few months of 2025, just as the blossom was budding, I started a two month solo inter railing trip around Europe. My first ‘surrender’ of the year. A distant dream I’ve had hiding at the back of my mind for a while, this was the year to jump into the unknown and fully surrender to that ache of adventure. It was quite an experience, one that I will never forget or regret. A period of reflection and learning that was needed, it truly felt like a huge sigh of relief, the closing chapter to my twenties and an introduction to my thirties; filled with lots of tiny moments of surrendering as I journeyed across the continent. I returned buzzing with energy, inspiration and a monumental feeling of pride. This year will be a good one.

Since returning the initial high slowly dissipated, however much I tried to keep the momentum going, grasping at the spark that had reignited in Italy hoping it would propel me forwards into the year. But like all years there are moments of ebb and flow. Sometimes life is exciting and busy, most of the time it is just very ordinary, filled with mundane tasks, to-do lists, and work. I think the trick is to find excitement in the mundane, beauty in simplicity, enjoying both ends of the extreme; the dry spells and the rain. Squeezing every drop of positivity out of what you’ve got. Something I’m learning to do is to surrender to these equally important moments of drought, to find meaning in ordinary, the periods of life that feel like a pause, when it feels like you’re failing, falling backwards and not reaching forwards. When in fact it’s a period of quiet growth, preparing you for the next phase.

Throughout it all I’ve been trying to keep up the ‘surrendering’, to moments and to feelings. Day trips, weekend jaunts, spontaneous cinema screenings, doing something on a whim, relishing a newfound spontaneous side. However on reflection, having pondered on this word for 7 months, I’ve come to realise there’s another side; behind the loud performative act is a subtle yielding. A gentle surrender. Not a giving up, but a letting go of resisting. To stop resisting uncomfortable feelings, letting them in rather than washing over you, or resisting something that needs to be done but you can’t bring yourself to do. Maybe it means asking for help when you’ve resisted for too long. Surrendering your strength, taking off a mask, and being your true self.

With 4 months left of this year I’m leaning into the gentle surrender and not forcing any loud acts of carefree spontaneity (although I’ll still leave room for these). I’ve come full circle with a quiet realisation that surrendering simply means being ok with who you are; accepting and not resisting.

Thank you for reading, I hope the rest of your year is filled with some sort of surrendering - be it a flashy show of spontaneity or a gentle yielding to feelings.

READ

The Safekeep by Yale van der Wouden - one of those books that grabs you after reading the first page, well written and pacy. This thriller is much hyped and rightly so. Set in the Dutch countryside in the summer of 1961 after WWII, Isabel is living in her late mother’s country house when her younger brother’s girlfriend moves in; two opposites collide, upending Isabels strict disciplined life.

WATCH

Materialists by Celine Song - another much hyped release which unfortunately fell flat for me BUT the film is visually stunning. The cast, cinematography, Manhattan, Dakota’s wardrobe, everything was beautiful but the plot never took off and the ending was anti-climatic. A love triangle between jaded matchmaker Lucy (Dakota Johnson), a wealthy hedge-fund manager Harry (Pedro Pascal) and broke ex John (Chris Evans) as each try to win the affections of Lucy, pitting financial security and love against each other. I left the cinema with a sour taste in my mouth after recognising the version of dating it depicted; superficial and materialistic, led by a consumerist society.

COOK

We’ve been making this Julius Roberts recipe on repeat, the lemony ricotta and pesto plopped on top make this dish.

Also homemade cherry jam with clotted cream and fresh scones because it’s not summer without some jam making. See below, pre-clotted cream (jam first always).

VISIT

Oxford in early autumn is the best time to visit, the summer crowds have gone, the trees are turning amber, the sun is low and casting dappled light everywhere - it’s like a scene from a Nora Ephron film. A few recommendations should you find yourself in my home city:

Missing Bean for coffee

Objects of Use for a mooch

The Covered Market for food

Modern Art Oxford for art

Ashmolean Museum for historic artefacts

Radcliffe Camera for architecture

Blackwells Bookshop for books

Christ Church meadow for nature

Punting down the river for exercise